Browse the Gift Catalog
Pick the exact roast, wholesome boost, or mild curse you want to wrap—or pitch a new one for the catalog.
Get Out of Plans Free Pass
“Redeemable 30 minutes before any social gathering. Legally excuses you to stay home in sweatpants with zero guilt.”
One Cold French Fry From the Bottom of the Bag
“Found at the very bottom of the paper bag. Room temperature, zero salt, maximum philosophical significance.”
An Extremely Important Rock
“Geologically ordinary, yet radiates the unmistakable aura of a quest item you are never allowed to drop.”
A Lifetime Supply of Nothing
“Zero calories, zero assembly required, and takes up zero closet space. Refills automatically whenever you run out.”
A Startup That Actually Ships
“A mythical artifact spoken of only in ancient legends. Zero pivot decks, zero stealth mode—it just works.”
A Pigeon With a LinkedIn Profile
“Thought leader in Park Bench Disruption & Crumb Acquisition. Would love to connect and pick your brain.”
Lifetime Subscription to Mondays
“Auto-renews every seven days with no cancel button. Includes complimentary 8:00 AM calendar invites with no agenda.”
Invisible Pet Dinosaur
“You cannot see him, but he weighs 400 pounds, loves sitting on your keyboard, and breathes loudly in dark hallways.”
Haunted Rubber Duck
“Squeaks in Morse code at 3:14 AM and slowly rotates to face whoever last forgot to wash their coffee mug.”
Both Sides of the Pillow Warm
“Flip it as many times as you want tonight. Both sides are permanently pre-heated to 98.6 degrees.”
A Ghost With Social Anxiety
“Tries to haunt your apartment, panics when you make eye contact, apologizes profusely, and hides in the pantry.”
Cursed 3 AM Motivation
“Grants an overwhelming urge to reorganize your entire life and learn fluent Mandarin, strictly between 3:00 and 3:40 AM.”
One Working Brain Cell
“Congratulations. Your total thinking capacity has officially doubled. Please don’t spend it all on a single group-chat argument.”
CEO of Bad Decisions
“Includes a corner office overlooking a dumpster fire and unanimous board approval for whatever chaotic text you’re about to send next.”
World's Okayest Friend
“Neither a cautionary tale nor a role model. You reply in three to five business days, and honestly, we respect the consistency.”
Certificate of Being Chronically Online
“Signed by the council of people who haven’t touched grass since the last software update. Please go look at a tree.”
Your Own Personal Red Flag
“Woven from 100% pure “I can fix it myself” energy and dyed crimson with your questionable taste in late-night decisions.”
Emergency Excuse Generator
“Pre-loaded with classics like “Sorry, I just saw this” and “My calendar didn’t sync” so you can bail on plans in record time.”
Emotional Support Potato
“Round, dependable, and asks zero difficult questions. Sits quietly on your desk and radiates unconditional starch-based encouragement.”
A Jar of Good Luck
“Carefully sealed at golden hour. Crack the lid whenever you need green traffic lights, fast Wi-Fi, or unexpected good news.”
Tiny Pocket Sunshine
“A portable 72-degree afternoon breeze that fits right next to your keys. Guaranteed to un-gray any Tuesday.”
Unlimited Moral Support
“Whatever you’re trying to pull off right now, consider this an official cheering section waving foam fingers in your honor.”
A Tiny Dragon Who Believes in You
“No larger than a teacup. Breathes tiny celebratory sparks every time you drink water, reply to an email, or survive a Monday.”
A Frog Wearing a Tiny Top Hat
“He has zero financial advice to offer, but he is extraordinarily polite and thinks you are doing a marvelous job.”
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